I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
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