I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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