oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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