either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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