i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
