if you like me you must not know who I am
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Pooping to opera.
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