there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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