Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
