Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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