You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
