I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
