my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
