My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
