Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
