Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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