Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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