He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
