Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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