My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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