i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
