I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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