Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Randomize
