i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
