I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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