Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Randomize
