I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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