the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
