Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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