she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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