I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
