Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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