We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
