If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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