??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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