I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
