Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize