i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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