I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
