I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
