my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
