Already got asked if we're dating
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
