We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
