i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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