i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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