i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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