threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
