Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
