i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
organizing the empties. That sober.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
