Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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