I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
