I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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