u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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