I met the friendliest cop last night
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
