rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
