by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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