I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
