i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
