How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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