if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
