You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
