god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
