he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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