Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You're like the curious george of whores
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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