Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
