I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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