My sheets look like a crime scene.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Randomize
