Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
