all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
