I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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