tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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