why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
