I only kidnapped one of them. chill
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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